again with hard decisions or just things in life you think that you can get over....

the little things in life to me are what make the biggest difference but at the same time they seem to grow beyond magnitude in my mind and the things that should really matter in life are put to the insignificant side.

why do i feel so guilty all the time? i feel like i always have to defend what i do, who i hang out with, my actions, my thoughts, my grades, my car, my job, and my life in general!  what have i done in my life that makes me feel so insecure about myself and how did i lose my strong headed opinion that i used to stand by?  how have i lost myself in all of these things that are supposed to define you. you are supposed to go through life and make mistakes so taht you can learn from them, but instead i learn and feel guilty and therefore feel like crud for the rest of my life? why can't i just let things go and move on. why is the thought of closing one door completely and forever terrifying...because now you know for sure you can never have it again?   why am i always consumed by all of these emotions and by the end of the day when i want to be happy for everybody and in good spirits i am sad and wanting to cry and a little angry?

i guess the big question is why am i always so sad nowadays...what happened to happy and go-lucky jess?  but then again i am only like this when i am left alone...when i am around others i am happy because i get involved in their lives.....anybody have any ideas as to what the heck is wrong with me?

i am just going to pray about it and see what God does about it....i hope he is listening today!

i am sitting here....reading and writing things that are going in my life; so here is a quick recap of the past two years and where i am right now.

past two years: screwed up heavily socially, spiritually, moraly

college: 3.75 GPA

i think about myself: ashamed, guilty, dissapointed, lost

now how am i going to fix this? it is going to be a long road, but i have my foot through the door and that is the hardest part, i am going to try and be me again. to make the right choices when they arise, and to stick with them. to have self-control and strength to hold my ground. to keep my opinions and share them with everyone. to get more spiritual in my life and stop letting it revolve around such feeble things. look into a master's program and then find out how that goes into a doctorate. maybe plan on working in europe even.....who knows. read more, but for the basic part of it: FAITH-FAMILY-FRIENDS, are the THE MOST IMPORTANT things in my life. the rest can wait until i am fully ready!

i'm in washington and i think this is going to be my outlet for the summer. good 'ol fashioned xanga.  we all need a good blog every once in a while and i think my turn is coming up....

i'm back